Right now you will find me wallowing in a nice little pond of self pity. You see, this is a pity party for one...for me...and I will happily wallow here for a week or two. The soundtrack in my pond is Elliott Smith...he's about the MOST depressing person I can think of to listen to...and the food is slim to non existant...I can't eat when I'm coping with heartache.
So...I want to share my story...of how I lost at love, but will live and trust in the universe that I will love again.
Dont' know where this image came from...but I truly LOVE it!!
When my 10 year relationship with the father of my children ended, I fearfully decided to start dating again...after being with one man for that long, this decision was terrifying. You feel unloveable...you feel like a failure at love...you are terrified that NO ONE will love you again. And so, I put on my rubber boots and waded back into the pool. Let me tell you...I had some good dates, and I had some horrible dates...one man I'll refer to only as the "feral cat boy"...it did indeed have something to do with the noises he made while I kissed him at the end of the night. Some of my dates ended with me feeling compelled to write a song...especially the bad dates...some of them ended with me feeling hopeful again.
Then I met a guy who seemed awesome...sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, sensitive, and a little bit warped...he was someone I wanted a "something" with...and I've been seeing him consistently for the past year. Everything was going so well...and then, reality hit square in the jaw...and we both knew it was over. His daughter lives far away...and he wants to be with her...and he is soon going to be in a position to move. The sad reality of it all is that I am not in a position to be a part of those plans. Of course there is other "stuff" too, every relationship has "stuff"...and it comes from both sides. The end result is, two very sad people who are heartbroken.
Do I know this heartache will lift...YES...I'm 36...I've been here before. It doesn't really negate the fact though that love endings tend to make us feel "unloveable"...they make us scared that we will never be loved again. And so I will continue to wallow...and with every passing day, even this will lift. I am SO ready to find someone awesome to have in my life...and I'm sure that person is out there waiting for an awesome lady like me to come in and shake things up,
(I even bake homemade cookies and muffins from scratch for crying out loud)!!!
My reason for sharing...maybe you're feeling heartache too...maybe you can relate to feeling unloveable, or you have other loss issues in your life...it's all a part of this crazy human experience...and in anything we go through we are not alone...I know at least that much to be true.
and so I sign off...in heartache and with LOVE