Friday, June 29, 2012

On Love and Loss and LOVING again!!!

Right now you will find me wallowing in a nice little pond of self pity. You see, this is a pity party for one...for me...and I will happily wallow here for a week or two. The soundtrack in my pond is Elliott Smith...he's about the MOST depressing person I can think of to listen to...and the food is slim to non existant...I can't eat when I'm coping with heartache.
So...I want to share my story...of how I lost at love, but will live and trust in the universe that I will love again.
Dont' know where this image came from...but I truly LOVE it!!
When my 10 year relationship with the father of my children ended, I fearfully decided to start dating again...after being with one man for that long, this decision was terrifying. You feel unloveable...you feel like a failure at love...you are terrified that NO ONE will love you again. And so, I put on my rubber boots and waded back into the pool. Let me tell you...I had some good dates, and I had some horrible dates...one man I'll refer to only as the "feral cat boy"...it did indeed have something to do with the noises he made while I kissed him at the end of the night. Some of my dates ended with me feeling compelled to write a song...especially the bad dates...some of them ended with me feeling hopeful again.
Then I met a guy who seemed awesome...sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, sensitive, and a little bit warped...he was someone I wanted a "something" with...and I've been seeing him consistently for the past year. Everything was going so well...and then, reality hit square in the jaw...and we both knew it was over. His daughter lives far away...and he wants to be with her...and he is soon going to be in a position to move. The sad reality of it all is that I am not in a position to be a part of those plans. Of course there is other "stuff" too, every relationship has "stuff"...and it comes from both sides. The end result is, two very sad people who are heartbroken.
Do I know this heartache will lift...YES...I'm 36...I've been here before. It doesn't really negate the fact though that love endings tend to make us feel "unloveable"...they make us scared that we will never be loved again. And so I will continue to wallow...and with every passing day, even this will lift. I am SO ready to find someone awesome to have in my life...and I'm sure that person is out there waiting for an awesome lady like me to come in and shake things up,
(I even bake homemade cookies and muffins from scratch for crying out loud)!!!
My reason for sharing...maybe you're feeling heartache too...maybe you can relate to feeling unloveable, or you have other loss issues in your life...it's all a part of this crazy human experience...and in anything we go through we are not alone...I know at least that much to be true.
and so I sign off...in heartache and with LOVE
xo maureen

11 comments:

  1. ((hugs)) Maureen! Heartache is a tough road to navigate. I've definitely been in your shoes (being in a blended family now, myself). I wish you much peace, joy, and love along your journey.

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  2. Love is the most complicated and most simple thing ever, I swear. (((Hugs))) to you. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability; there is strength in your words even if it doesn't feel like that to you right now.

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  3. Hang in there...this too shall pass. Is it possible a friendship has developed in this man. One that will transend time and distance? Or is this a all or nothing ending? Yes, very sad and I think we all need time to "mourn" lost loves but please remember the longer you wallow in self pity the harder it will be to return. I think now would be a good time to go and buy brand new matching undies. Matching undiues always make me feel lovely even if noone sees them but me. I know silly suggestion but.....why not!
    Teresa aka Tess

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  4. Oh Maureen, I know what you feel like right now. Since I don't need to tell you it will pass, I'll just give you a big virtual hug. xxoo

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  5. Hugs and love coming your way. x c

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  6. This post really really hit me square in the face because my marriage ended and I have yet to date since we separated and divorced and so much of what you said rang true for me. I am a 31 year old single mother of 3 and you DO feel unloveable and a failure at love and like this is it for you. You feel that there's no one who can heft that baggage of a broken heart, someone else's 3 kids, and a failed marriage and help you carry all that down the road. And for lack of a better term.....it SUCKS. It does help me to hear you share that in this space so I don't feel like the only 30-something with children and a broken heart/marriage trying to figure out where I went wrong.

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  7. Wow! What timing! I just posted on my blog about loss and roller coaster emotional rides as well. In my family we have a silly saying that sometimes rings true: "Ain't mama happy, ain't nobody happy!" - Wishing you healing, hope, and joy.

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  8. I lost my mama to suicide last July. That was an enormous blow to my self esteem. I'm still healing of course but I felt almost the same way. It's a different kind of heartache but still hurts like crazy.

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    1. it's NOT you. It's NEVER you. It's despite you, if anything. Other than knowing this, I won't even pretend I could ever comprehend how you feel or what you are going through, Rachel.

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  9. Oh lovely ladies...thank you for sharing your own stories of loss and heartache. Yes, sometimes it doesn't matter what we've lost...the pain truly is all the same in the end, (and it is just that...PAIN!!) And thank you for the love...I know my heartache will ease...every day that passes it feels a bit better...but, then again, these things tend to come in waves and wash over us when we least expect it. I'm willing to give myself time to let this wound heal, and to grow strong so I can love again with all my heart!
    Rachel...I am so so sorry to hear about your mother...I just can't imagine the emotions a suicide would bring up...I send you my LOVE.
    xo and LOVE to you all! maureen

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    1. I've come to think that it doesn't really matter who receives your love as long as it is received with heartfelt gratefulness.
      The love I feel for various people and animals isn't asking for much (not even trying to say it's asking for nothing as love that is not acknowledged will wither) and just knowing that being loved makes a difference to somebody (human or otherwise) is immensely gratifying.
      To honour your honesty, I will be really honest myself- I have difficulties showing my love. I am not warm, lovy, cuddly, approachable and embracing. I appear to be businesslike, efficient, smooth (in a way that you just can't get a grip emotionally) and often superficial. But I love fiercely, with no restraints, and quite possibly forever, just as much as I hate in the same way.
      What you went through will shape you in some way or another. But even in your darkest moments do not EVER think that you are not loved, or deserve love, or are loved. Sometimes we get hurt by people who love us the most, and it looks like you were woman enough NOT to build thick brick walls around you.
      Keep it that way.
      If an arrow can't puncture your armour, how is a feather supposed to tickle you?
      Suffer through it, and remember why you do. Because you are strong enough NOT to call in the cavalry, you can do this all by yourself. Sure hurts like heck, but if it didn't, you might as well call it a day.

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